Issue Two - Dain Brammage
Barbie Vs. Ken
Say it isn’t so, I knew that she was a slut!
That breast reduction surgery was just another front
Barbie’s giving Ken the boot oh what a sad sad day,
They were an institution for my childhood play.
Alright, I admitted it, I used to play with dolls,
Making Ken fuck Barbie, in spite of the names I was called.
Maybe the little gay children had it apropos,
With Ken down on hands and knees under G.I. Joe.
Cleanliness vs Godliness
Cleanliness is next to Godliness?
Who thought up this little jewel?
One of the puritans no doubt.
I want to relate this to
Bathroom policies and practices,
Specifically the washing of hands.
First, I am all for employees having to was their hands
Before returning to work,
Especially in the food service industry.
I am not too sure about housekeeping though
Because their hands are always in some type
Of industrial cleaner, they are lucky to still have skin.
But you know, food services people
Do have to wear those plastic gloves now,
So maybe they could forego the hand washing
And get back to making my meal sooner.
Because I’m am usually pretty hungry,
And hunger begets impatience.
But in my eyes, all of you people
Who wash your hands and then exit the bathroom by Opening the door with the paper towel are freaks!
I bet you really spaz-out when
All they have are those blow dryers.
Because you know the last person to leave
The bathroom did not wash their hands,
And now you have to grab that filthy handle.
But you know, as long as you do not pee on yourself,
Or bust through the toilet paper as you wipe,
The germs are not really that big of deal.
You know what the say,
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
And living in that protective bubble
Actually makes you more susceptible to disease.
I worked with this woman who had a real elaborate plan
For going to the bathroom at work,
She was such a neat-freak that
She was actually proud of herself for this.
She would open the door to the single occupancy bathroom,
Immediately reach in and advance some paper towels
With her sleeve covered forearm.
Tear it off and turn on the light,
Then she would step in, lock the door
And Advance another much longer strip of paper towel
And let it lay in wait.
Turn on the water,
So far she has not come in direct contact with anything.
Then she would hover over the toilet,
When done she would wash her hands
After wasting countless gallons of water,
Turn around and rip the new paper towel,
Dry her hands, turn off the water
Leave the room using the paper towel to open the door.
Now, can you say freak? Man!
Hey, do people actually jump out of bed or off the kitchen Counter and into the shower after having sex?
The reason I ask is that sex is pretty slimy business.
All of those bodily fluids flowing all over the place
Hands and mouths on genitalia.
You know, part where the pee comes from.
We must sanitize our hands after touching there
When we use the bathroom,
But after sex we just roll over and go to sleep.
Well, the guys do anyway.
Hell, I don’t even go into the bathroom after
Making love to my wife.
Well, maybe to gargle,
If I have a pubic hair stuck in my throat.
But that is a comfort issue,
It is hard to fall asleep going (clearing your throat noise),
Not at all related to cleanliness.
And what about all the people who into ass play?
They are messing with some pretty nasty stuff.
I bet a good portion of those people
Do go clean up after sex,
But not all of them.
So, cleanliness is next to godliness?
Maybe if you are priest,
But I bet even they do not wash up after sex.